Now Serving: Fatburger

Fatburger is west coast burger chain, with nearly no presence on the east coast. Just a single spot in the Baltimore area (Columbia, to be exact), and that's as far south as they go. Next closest locations are either Atlantic City, New York, Detroit. After that, Denver. So while Fatburger is recognizable name in pop culture, (Remember when Ice Cube had a Good Day? It's because of Fatburger at 2 in the morning). I've chosen to review it, as the location here is so isolated, it should make it a destination burger joint.

And I say should, because I've been here several times, all mid-afternoon, to a basically empty restaurant. This location opened to some fanfare in 2008, when former Baltimore Raven Orlando Brown bought a franchise, and had plans to open 10 total, which never came about.

But still, I have no idea why the place hasn't caught on. Is it because people don't know it's there? It's sure not because they offer an inferior product. Before I knew about the Baltimore location, it's one of the things I looked forward to when I vacationed in Las Vegas. It has an old school burger stand feel to it.

Fatburger is a gluttons haven. I mean, you don't have "fat" in your name and have a reputation for health food. The menu is simple. S, M, L, XXL, or XXXL. (The XXXL is a 24 oz burger, more on that later). Expected toppings, and add ons with cheese, bacon, fried egg, chili, mushrooms and guac (each costing a little extra, and they aren't skimpy). Today, I just got "Large Fat" with the works, and a side of Fat Fries (thick, steak cut). And the burger is just beautiful.

Today's burger

 

They use fresh lean beef (fat, and lean). I can find nothing to complain about here (except the works comes with pickles and pickle relish, creating a bit of a flavor redundancy. I ordered with a side of "Fat Fries" (Thick, steak cut, barely pictured), which are some of the best you'll find anywhere. All food is cooked to order.

My insides were so happy

Now, the XXXL challenge is to eat the 24 oz of beef in just one sitting. I've completed this challenge. I ordered mine with the works.

And Cheese
And Bacon
And Chili
And a Fried Egg
And it took me 45 minutes.

The current world record holder demolished 16 (!!!) Patty's in 35 minutes. He's the real MVP.

 

Come here with an appetite. But, most importantly, come here. We have an absolute gem in our back yard, and should take advantage of it.

Now Serving: Bobby's Burger Palace

I know lately, I've been hitting up some burger chains. My criteria for this is such: Less than 20 restaurants outside of the area. My latest review, Bobby's Burger Palace meets this criteria. Located at Arundel Mills Mall in Maryland Live Casino (with a second Baltimore area location soon to open in Towson). This chain is owned by celebrity chef, TV personality, and Actor (if you count his cameo Entourage" acting) Bobby Flay.

Conversely, if you're at that first row of slots,
you can probably smell burger goodness

This restaurant, unlike another celebrity chef's restaurant inside a competing casino that I previously wrote up, is accessible to patrons of all ages, as it's accessible without actually entering the gaming area (though if you were blindfolded, you can clearly hear you are at/in/near a casino). This restaurant, the focus is clearly on Burgers. I mean, the word "Burger" is in the damn title of the place. You don't go to a burger palace and expect buttered noodles. (It's not on the menu, I checked.) They have a load of specialty burgers, from different cities of the country. Predictably, Philly has cheesesteak inspired toppings, LA has avocado and watercress, etc.

They also "Crunchify" their burgers on request, putting a s-load of potato chips on top, adding a different crunch and texture to the burger. It's not reinventing the wheel, but still something to make them stand out.

But, the one thing that keeps me coming back, as I frequently do, is their "Burger of the Month", As long as the toppings are agreeable with me, I'll order that. Always like to try something new. For February, it's a Louisiana burger: A Spice Crusted angus beef patty with Pepper Jack Cheese, Tasso Ham, Spicy Remoulade, and a drizzle of Hot Sauce on top. Everything on this burger screams spicy.

And it does have a good heat, without being overpowering. The bun is saturated with sesame seeds. It had a very high SPSI (seeds per square inch, it's a science term. While I'm devouring this tear inducing peppery masterpiece, the seeds flake away everywhere. Not really my thing. The ham is very chewy, and really stands apart from the beef. The cheese is plentiful, very melty, created a pizza-like effect while eating. Nowhere on this burger were they skimpy about anything. even the red hot sauce, though the least portioned item, was dripping down the side of my bun onto my plate. Normally I might complain about not including lettuce and tomato, but really had no business being on my plate. Though, I did forget to get it "Crunchified". I'm a little annoyed it wasn't suggested, but I can't blame the cashier. I'm sure I ordered confidently in what I wanted.

Bobby Flay has a good thing going over here. Don't be afraid to "Throw Down" your money at this palace for a top notch bite.

Now Serving: Abbey Burger Bistro

Welcome to Fed Hill's historic cross street market. Here, I find Abbey Burger Bistro. It's tucked away in a back alley, almost to a point where it feels like secret, though most Baltimore residents are well aware of the well reviewed burgers inside.

What I think separates this from other burger joints around town is, well a few things.

1. They have a wide selection of meats, including a rotating "Meat of the Month". You can find bison, elk, kangaroo, wild boar, and many others
2. Their build a burger checklist is stuff of legend.
3. The shared sink at the restrooms, so you can see if people are following proper washing procedures.  

I did the Build a Burger option, because deep down, I'm a bit of a control freak, and wanted to push the limits of what I could create.

How did I do?

In case you didn't have your binoculars, I opted for the Kangaroo, which I've never had before, on a Pretzel roll, with sharp cheddar & gran queso (manchego), with lettuce, tomato, pickles, hot pepper spread, and Makers Mark BBQ sauce. I'll call it the "Spicy-Double-Cheese Down Under Burger". Upgrade the side to Mac and Cheese, because I can.

How did They do?

Kangaroo is a very dry meat, that still has a big gamey flavor. I understand why Australians are very easy going, because they eat Kangaroo all the f'n time. The double dose of cheese was nice, but my pallet could taste them individually. The pepper spread, at least for me, was more sweet than spicy, and made the burger very messy. I don't have visual evidence of this, because the blend of everything was so tasty, I didn't care. If anything, it became a battle of me vs. the plate to finish before it became a bigger mess. 

My only major complaint, and just me being a nit pick, is the bun was much larger than the beef. I've only ever had the pretzel bun from Abbey, and I don't know if the other bun selections are adequately proportional to the size of the beef patty, but I prefer an overhang to an access of bread. 

But all in all, Abbey Burger still holds up as one of the best burgers in the area. 

Now Serving: The Greene Turtle

The Greene Turtle is a regional chain of bars, but essentially a staple in the area for nearly 40 years. And they have loads of locations in the area. Fells, Fed, Towson, White Marsh, Owings Mills, BWI, Hunt Valley, Columbia, and so on. If you live in the Baltimore, you're probably less than 10 minutes from one of their locations. They have a reputation to all things local, and their advertising is quick to shame national chains for being generic, not knowing the history of the city, etc.

The reviews on Yelp, which hang around 2.5 stars, seems to lend this isn't the best place to be. Yelp isn't the end all be all metric for what a restaurant is all about, and even though some can be damning, it can generally give you a pretty good idea.

I enter one of their Baltimore locations on a busy Saturday night. The bar is packed, and noisy as hell. What I expect from a bar in Baltimore. I'm meeting a friend who ordered food 30 minutes ago that hasn't come out yet, which frightens me, because I'm super hungry. Now, they have lots of servers on staff, but clearly there is a distinction between those assigned to tables and those in the bar. The ones at tables are having fun, playing grab ass with each other around the hostess table. The bar, overloaded, doesn't have nearly enough people.

I have enough time to look over the menu. I've been here a few times before, and have had their PBJ burger (which might sound gross, but is in fact amazing in both how it tastes, and the fact that it works paired together). This time through, I want the Chesapeake burger. Their never frozen Angus certified beef, seasoned with old bay, topped with their signature crab dip, smoked bacon, American cheese, lettuce & tomato on brioche.

I'm finally able to track down someone, who quickly takes my drink order and runs away. Drops my beer without me even noticing. A few minutes later, someone else brings my friend his dinner (45 min ticket time), and I'm finally able to order. My food arrives relatively quickly (12 min). Maybe they were out of the weeds by then, or I got extremely lucky.

The burger is great. Slightly undercooked (I like it medium well, this was closet to medium, but still worked) Seasoned very well. The crab dip is oozing from every side of the bun, and is some of the best I've had recently, very cheesy. Bacon is a little too crispy, but a good crunch nevertheless. Bun had a good buttery taste. All in all, the burger is very very good. I'm just not sure it's worth the process involved to get one.

Tavern On The Hill (Mt. Vernon)

I've spent these last few months chowing on some of the best (and a few forgettable) burgers in the city and I realize, I haven't been to Mount Vernon. Let's change that, with a visit to Tavern on the Hill. This place is spacious, but deceptively small. With all the upscale and trendy spots to eat in Baltimore's "cultural district", this place stands apart, because it's just a pub. It has the feel of a diner, except replace all the silver with wood, and add a bar.

I walk through the doors early afternoon of a blistery cold cold cold (3 colds. Did I mention it was cold) day, where I'm greeted warmly. By the cook. That's right. Not that everyone else wasn't warm and pleasant. But it's something a little unexpected. I find my seat, open up my menu (The burgers are right in the center of the 3 page menu, where they belong), and they have about a dozen speciality burgers, with varied ingredients. I closed my eyes, spun my finger around the menu, and landed on the "Oy Vey" burger.

The "Oy Vey" comes with their standard 100% Fresh ground USDA choice on a Challah bun, lettuce, tomato, onion and pickle spear, topped with Swiss, and bottomed with pastrami and spicy mustard. Upgrade to Bison beef is available as well. 

Presented open face, with everything laid out, (but just a single slice of tomato? Really?) brown mustard (probably Gulden's) on the side, and an ample serving of hand cut fries. I put on a nice lather of sauce, and took a bite that absolutely rocked my world. The pastrami and beef pair is off the charts good. Every couple bites, some of the pastrami shavings would slide out of the burger and land delicately like a feather. The pastrami itself is so good. Chewy and politely peppered. 

This is what dreams are made of

While eating, I realized I was slipping into what I'll call the "Burger Zone". It felt like for a fleeting moment, all that existed in this world was just me and this burger. Nothing else mattered. Nothing could break my focus. I was hypnotized. Jimi Hendrix could have been resurrected, sitting across the table from me playing the solo from Hey Joe, light his guitar on fire causing the restaurant to burn, firefighters running in dressed as Pokemon characters, shooting spaghetti sauce from their fingers to extinguish the blaze, I would not have noticed.

This burger was that good.

Quick mention, on Thursday's from 4-cl, they offer $2 off burgers. I give this place a loud ringing endorsement. 

 

"oy vey" burger, pastrami. 

Brix Sports Bar and Grill & BGR The Burger Spot

Happy New Year. Glad to be back after a holiday break from writing. Don't you think for a nanasecond I haven't been eating burgers, because to kick off the year, It's not one, but 2 burger reviews. If you made a resolution to eat better, let me try to convince you otherwise.

First, we have Brix in Rosedale, just outside the Beltway. I was very excited to try this place out. I've eaten here several times before. First time was as an all you can eat cardboard pizza buffet, another time was as an all you can eat Asian bistro. Many restaurants came and went here. Some might be the lack of portion control. Some of it may be because it's very tricky to get to this specific location. It's on one side of the highway, inaccessable if traveling west without a U-Turn, then, it's a small opening to get to the shopping center.

This spot boasts pretty good happy hour specials, and a fair mix of frankenfoods (i.e., grilled cheese served on a glazed donut) with a gourmet savvy plate presentation. Their facebook page is consistantly making my mouth water.

Yeah right, like I'm using a fork

I like to test drive a restaurants "Signature Dishes" if they have them. Allows me to get a great idea of what they feel is their best offering. They have 2 signature burgers, but I'm not eating a veggie burger. I go for "The Brix Boss": 1/2 pound Angus with applewood bacon, onion rings, 2 layers of cheese, and red bell peppers with a chipotle mayo. A massive treat, with a side of waffle fries and cole slaw.

Soap box side bar: Cole Slaw is disgusting. It sounds even less appetizing than if it was called what it really is, wet mayonaise cabbage. This hatred could stem from my days in the food service industry, where I'd have to pre portion slaw, shipped conveniently in a 5 gallon bucket.

The burger itself was great. Packed some unexpected but welcome heat. The spicy mayo paired with the peppers was phenominal. But when I picked up the burger, the mayo made a small drippy mess. I had to set the burger back down on the bed of waffle fries between bites. But the sauce was so irrestible, it actually created a pretty good au jus sauce (not sure if that was the intended effect). Only complaint, if I have to nit pick, the tomatoes weren't so fesh. I imagine the ones I got were in the bottom of the prep tin, stewing in it's own juices, making it a little soggy. I expect this from Wawa, not a restaurant. But with every element hitting, I can overlook.

Intentional, or unintentional? Delicious either way.

Next stop was (not on the same day, thankfully) BGR in Columbia. Their name literally spells out BurGeR. They are a small chain, with less than 20 shops, (13 of which are in the DMV area) so based on that, I'll give them a nod as a local spot. Having been there before, and falling deeply into burger bliss, I had to return. And this one was extra special, as I met up with good friend, and fellow stand-up comedian Robert Andrew, who you might know from the "It's Mickey" podcast.

This place just feels like an old school burger joint, and you can tell their love of music. Album covers adorn the walls, and even some of their patterned glass tabletops, which are a blend of classic album covers and fun pop culture.

This place, again, has been praised for it's veggie burger. The Baltimore Sun named it one of the best burgers in the area. It's nice that a burger stand offers healthier options (Lettuce wraps, Ahi Tuna, Robert was especially delighted grilled asparagus is an option as a side). I'm not particularly interested in all that. Maybe I'd try the tuna one day, but it's a customized "Create a Legend" for me. I built The cook made me a flame grilled prime, dry aged burger (with an extra patty), Lettuce, Tomato, pickles, mojo sauce (again, a spicy mayo with a funky name), with applewood bacon, cheddar, and grilled pineapple.

This was even more imposing than the last one. I love how an open flame traps the juices in the burger. Visually, I wish the 2 patties would have had something to separate them, even a slice of cheese, so it had the look of two patties instead of just one really thick one. You could taste every topping, nothing really standing out, except the sweetness of the pineapple. The brioche bun was super fresh, soft and durable, accounting for the pound of food piled on, (and mojo sauce directly on the bottom).

With so many chains in the marketplace, This is one I really hope hope succeeds. And if more people give this place a shot, it will.

No asparagus here

Now Serving: Guy Fieri's Baltimore Kitchen & Bar

I'd looked back over the last couple of weeks, and the burgers i've been consuming have been very plain. Ordinary. No attempts at reinventing the wheel. Not that they haven't been tasty, but not the frankenfood I was hoping to find.

Insert loud celebrity chef Guy Fieri. Nothing seems ordinary about this guy. Obsessed with catch phrases and excessive portions, he might be the guy to take me to "Flavortown", though google maps doesn't seem to specifically know where that is, (I don't think it's a real place, guys).

But "Guy Fieri's Baltimore Kitchen and Bar" is a real place, located inside Horseshoe casino, in the shadows of M&T Bank Stadium. And as much of a mouthful it is to say it's name, they allude to serving mouthfuls of food. On my plate today is his "Bacon Mac and Cheese Burger", which promises an "Award-winning burger – winner of the New York City Wine + Food Festival Burger Bash! Crispy applewood bacon, six-cheese mac ‘n’ cheese, LTOP (lettuce, tomato, onion + pickle), SMC (super melty cheese) + a slathering of donkey sauce on a garlic-buttered brioche bun." (As copied and pasted from the menu.) I'm glad the menu has acronyms, paired with an explination of the acronym next to it. Destroys the need for an acronym, but I would have never figured out SMC.

And while I'm super excited to have an award winning burger, the festival sounds extremely specific, and maybe a little made up. We don't have shit like that in Baltimore.

Anyhow, on to the burger, which looks like an appetizer sampler exploded and landed on top of the bun. Mine came with onion straws on top, which wasn't listed in the myriad of ingreedients. I did note an absence of the donkey sauce. Unless donkey sauce is a fancy name for ketchup, which I doubt. It's tall, but everything on the burger is compactable, making it easier to eat than first glance might tell you.

Everything on the bun is delicious. Even the stuff that eventually fell off the bun was still delicious. But all the food had a layer of grease. The burger was thin. Lots of it, but thin, making it faster to cook, and easier to cook evenly. The mac, outstanding, would make a great stand alone disk, had a layer of oil from the cheese. The onion straws, fried, so grease is just going to happen. Bacon was fantastic, but naturally greasy. A generous layer of long, thin slices of pickles on the bun, naturally a wet item. Bun was grilled, a good contrast of garlic and butter. Everything had a layer of lubrication, making it very easy to slide down my gullet. I imagine the donkey sauce if included would have added to the ease, but would have made it sloppy, which to my suprise, this burger really wasn't. Guy is doing magic in his kitchen.

Note the overhang from under the bun

It should be noted that it's 3 different styles of fries on that slide. They are very sweet, as if someone took powdered sugar, shook it on top, and dropped it into the fry vat. Seasoning fries is one thing, sugaring them is completely different. I guess if you're ordering something like this, Healthier substitutions are laughable. But I'm a fan. My only gripe is you have to traverse the casino, ascend the parking garage, walk through the casino, go down the escalator, turn around, walk past more slots, do the hokey pokey,.. it's a lot to get to the restaurant. And it's a shame none of the under 21 crowd will get to eat there either.

Oh, and happy holidays. May you get lots of burgers under your tree, and sliders in your stockings.